I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
