I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
