i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I bet he comes in French.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize