Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
