Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
