no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
