My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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