Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
