respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
