speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
