I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
