i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
