If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
