You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
