Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
