I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
