i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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