I think i peed on brittanys purse
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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