Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
