you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
This is my gift to your gina
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
did you just send me my own nude
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
