im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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