I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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