Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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