i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
