The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
i think my cat just said my name.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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