yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
