I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
