i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
