Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
