I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize