The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
