This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Who put my cat in the fridge?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
