I feel like abortions should bother me more
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
