so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He better not be in your backpack
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
