just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
