i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
