Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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