Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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