So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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