He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
