He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Your cock deserves a montage
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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