I think I died a long time ago.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
