her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
