does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
