So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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