I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
