Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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