I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
