I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
