I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
