Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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