I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
