Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize