remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
