so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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