??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
