I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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