Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
