Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
