So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Randomize
