God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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