Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize