The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
