Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
