Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
