My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
You can't special order awesome
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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