Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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