You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
