I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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